I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
