oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
