Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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