I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
