I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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