she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
