i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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