Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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