i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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