She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize