I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
