I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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