dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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