Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.