I'm lost and stupid without you.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
