I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
