if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
