when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
