Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
