In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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