Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
