you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
