i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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