Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
