But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
did i walk over a car last night?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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