My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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