I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
