It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus