ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
