just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
