Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So many bounce houses so little time
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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