I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
