I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
