My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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