the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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