The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
