I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
