he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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