I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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