Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
