Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
