He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
