I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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