Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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