oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
