I'd wear matching sweaters with you
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
