$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
