today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
