but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
