it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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