You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
