apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
