Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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