I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?