how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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