Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
