based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
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My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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