im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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