Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
