good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
