awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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