He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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